Not all meditation experiences are healthy.
Here is a story from Molly-Rose Crossley who had a difficult meditation which put her off the practice completely.
I wanted to share Molly’s story within my blog as some meditation experiences are not always positive and this can lead to a feeling of disconnect with reality.
If you have been through a similar experience I want you to know that it is not ok to move through a meditation practice or any healing practice feeling isolated and alone with what has been uncovered.
Yes meditation does invite us to move through certain darker feelings and emotions to heal our wounds. But in order to move through the journey we must be held in a safe space.
Through this example I want to highlight how important it is to find a meditation teacher who can guide you through meditation and bring you back to a grounded, safe state of being.
If you have been through a difficult experience and need further help and guidance with meditation please contact me personally jaina@yogawithjaina.com.
Molly's Story
Ironically while in India, the homeland of meditation, I had a very scary experience with the practice which prevented me from ever fully trusting the process again.
Among the sounds of the monkeys and the midges gnawing at my ankles, I was taken to a spiritual space I was not prepared to confront that left me wounded as a result of the practice.
I can still see the faces of the rest of the group staring back at me as I hyperventilated and sobbed after the session. I was invited to share, which I did – but I wasn’t ready.
Then it was out there, I was left with my guts on the floor and unable to fully understand what I had been confronted with – and then it was time to move on with the rest of day – which for me was filled with uncertainty and shame.
Since this moment I have been resistant to meditation, especially visualisation. I have remained guarded and sceptical. Blaming new age hippies for their cultural appropriation as a reason not to take part.
At the end of yoga classes, I would enjoy the moment to close my eyes after practice, but would be counting down the moments until I could get up and move on.
I would even dislike lying down in shavasana and would try and remain seated if I could, ready for a quick getaway!
I never felt I was missing out on anything by not utilising the tools of visualisation or meditation.
“Maybe it’s ADHD”, “it doesn’t work for everyone” or even ”I just don’t have the energy to go inwards right now”. All valid of course, but maybe not the truth.
As a part of the Adorned Narrative event at Golders Hill park, I met Jaina.
I knew breath work and meditation would be a part of the session, but the sceptic in me just intended to sit there and wait, or even maybe I’d have to leave before the session. But I didn’t want to leave. I was having such a wonderful time with these women, feeling safe, heard and present for the first time in ages.
I am not South Asian, but have always resonated with the culture in a way I can’t explain. On more than superficial level, I feel a kin with the culture – maybe one day I will understand why. But for this moment I was there, blessed to be in the presence of all these loving women feeling safe.
Among the trees parakeets and robins Jaina led us through a practice.
We first leant on the trees. I am an earth mother at heart and have always held wonder at the age of trees and what they have seen. I leant on this beautiful redwood and felt its history through its nobbles.
Jaina then took us through some cooling breath work – it was such a hot day, so this was vital and incredibly calming. Ok, safe so far, no alarm bells ringing and I was present in the space. I didn’t feel like I wanted to run yet.
Jaina began the practice, I was prepared to do my best acting and just sit as we were led through the practice, and put my inner sceptic volume on high, in order to avoid feeling anything.
It wasn’t all smooth sailing for me. There was a point when I wanted to literally get up and run away.
My brain told me I was an imposter and it was almost like a wall came up and it was safer to stay on the side I knew was safe. But, if I left it would disrupt the other women. It would have made it about me, the entire space would shift and I wasn’t willing to do that.
So I sat and allowed myself to trust Jaina. If my dear friend, Anisha who was one of the hosts of the event, trusted Jaina, I trusted Jaina.
She took us beyond the universe in a glowing light and then down to the core of the earth in a red hot glow. We then came back to ourselves with the balance of the earth and universe inside ourselves. I had done it, and I had survived. I wanted to cry, but this time not out of fear or trauma – out of relief.
Jaina created the space not only with her words, but also her presence. Her eyes held comfort and compassion. We were lucky enough to have time to talk after the session and that care wasn’t just for show. She holds the practice dearly, she sees how it is affected by external conflicts, but doesn’t change her practice to fit the commercial mould.
Even as we heard people walk past while we were sat in the session, they would soften their voices because they could feel the space she had created for us.
I can still see the visualisations she took us through. I can still see the red hot glow as well as the bright white light of the universe, bringing balance into my body.
Unknowingly, Jaina played a huge role in a healing journey I didn’t know I needed to go on.
Molly-Rose Crossley
Freelance Participatory Journalist and Project Manager
