Rhoma, my younger daughter turned one this month. Every day still feels so new and I’m still understanding who I am in this new life as a mum of two. The girls teach me so much and I know that my joy, happiness and truth is so pivotal to creating the best path and life for their future.
In order to understand this journey to joy and happiness I know I need to understand myself deeply. This has involved visiting my own childhood and healing my inner child in order to be the parent that I want and need to be for the girls.
The journey of healing however is tough and excruciating. I have reflected and questioned every part of myself, especially myself as a mother; am I a good mum? What is a good mum? Why did I decide to have children? Did I make the right decision? Did I just follow societal expectations? Am I cut out for this? Should I be doing things differently? Why can other mums handle this so much better than I can?! The anxiety, stress and pressure can be overwhelming.
I ground and remind myself that I’m doing this, I can do this and I will do this to my best ability. I made the choice and decision to have children so I know I believe in myself. Also it really doesn’t matter if I’m doing it right or wrong as there is no right or wrong.
Recently I felt bad about sharing my views, thoughts and insecurities about how I question myself as a mother. I am aware that not everyone can or wants to experience motherhood therefore my views may make me appear insensitive and ungrateful. However this awareness made me further realise just how grateful I am to be a mum and to be a mum to two beautiful angels.
For anyone who is reading who can’t have children or perhaps chooses not to have children I cannot imagine the feelings and emotions that you may have to digest and explore, as the desire, expectation and energy to have children is a very natural human experience. Likewise for those reading who have had children and feel the weight and responsibility to care for a child and at the same time try to care for yourself too I share the path with you.
With all this reflection having children was the best decision I made as they have taken me on and through my own healing journey. I always wanted to have children but I didn’t give it a lot of thought. Often the less we think about things the easier they are to manifest! Both my pregnancies were planned but I didn’t know what my life would or could look like afterwards. When I look back on those moments they were the happiest moments of my life. Finding out you’re pregnant brings so much joy and I absolutely loved having a baby bump and I even enjoyed and looked forward to the labour!
If there is one thing I could go back and change that would be to have spent more time alone before getting married and having children. Time alone to practice yoga, meditate and heal my inner child would make these first few years of motherhood easier and would have provided my children with a higher energy. Being alone, living alone, understanding myself and ultimately loving myself without the attachment of anyone or anything is a great strength.
That being said I feel I have got to that place of strength in the end. So does that mean I am healed? And was I broken before? I think we constantly need to heal ourselves. Trauma can exist in so many different ways which we can carry consciously and subconsciously. This is why yoga, meditation and self-reflection on a regular basis and knowing yourself, truly knowing who you are is so vital to the wellbeing of our lives.
A year later after having Rhoma and becoming a mum of two has given me my first real experience of not having time for myself, to go in and find peace. Instead I find peace within the little moments of observation. Which gives me the time and space to understand who these little beings are in my life and just how incredible, important, miraculous and special they are to me.
Motherhood is a powerful role. We don’t need to be a biological mother to experience the Divine Mother energy. The energy exists within all of us whether male or female, with or without a child. We just need to learn to access and embody the qualities of the Mother.
This awareness has also opened me up to leaning more into the community. There is an African proverb which says ‘It takes a village to raise a child.’ For the modern mother that could look like grandparents, family, friends, nursery teachers and anyone else who is open to help the mother and the child. Asking for help and reaching out is difficult though. Having a child and asking someone else to look after them is like asking someone else to look after your arm or leg. That child lived inside of you. They were part of you so it’s not always easy to give them to someone else. Finding trust from the right people in your community is a pivotal element in seeking help.
I am also aware of the concept that the girls are not mine to own. I am a vessel for their existence but I do not own them. Owning our children only serves our ego. They are a gift from God and I am taking care of them in this lifetime. They are independent of me and have their own karma and soul contract. They have come into my life and into our family for a reason. I can guide, inspire and teach them in the best way I know but then I must let go so they can fly and be free to become whoever they want and need to be in this life.
The realisations over the last few years have been deep and insightful. The journey continues and thankfully the girls keep me grounded in their world of fun and play.